Learning to live on your own again.
For those that know me really well, I recently ended things with my long-term partner in crime. Sometimes things don't work out and it's okay. No matter how much you love someone, when you have a few key differences, it's sometimes hard to compromise without feeling like you're losing a part of yourself.
For the better, we both decided to end things. However, having not been on my own for a very long time, I was quite unprepared for having the amount of free time and independence that single-dom gives you. I never realized how dependant I was on another person in certain aspects in my life, and how much I shaped my self around another person. The toughest part of this has been remembering my independence and what I can do on my own.
Some quick background, I've lived on my own for 3 and a half years, but out of that, I've had someone in my life for 2 and a half. Regardless of me living alone, there has always been someone there if I needed them, and I think I took that security for granted. However, learning to live on my own again has been a fun experience, it's like getting to know myself again and learning what I can do on my own. Here's a few things I've learned that you can apply to your life if you're newly single, or just trying to figure out who you are.
1. YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY ANYONE ELSE.
Just because your life may revolve around one person, doesn't mean that you are defined by them. I read this awesome book when I was trying to sort things out and read that all you should ever need from the person is a sharing of love. You should be your own person, have your own interests, have your own life that may include them, but is entirely yours.
When you find yourself single, it may be tough to separate out the two since you two had shared goals, activities and potentially friends. Your personality and being are your own and you decide what you want, what your goals are, what you do and the person you want to be. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, how to think, or how to act. You are your own being.
2. YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF. YOU JUST NEED TO TEACH (OR RE-TEACH) YOURSELF HOW.
I found that the hardest thing to do is teaching yourself that you can do it. You no longer have your significant other as a crutch or support, and you only have yourself to rely on. That's okay! You may surprise yourself about how much you can do, and how much you can handle. The little things may seem that much harder because you're only one person doing everything by yourself, but you've done it before and you can do it again.
3. THERE IS NO TIMELINE ON MOVING ON
I've had quite a few people give me advice on how to move forward, when to move forward and what an ideal timeline looks like. I've had pressure to get our there and I've had pressure to focus on myself. What is important is you do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If what makes you feel comfortable is going out on that date after a few weeks, you do you. If it is sitting at home alone on the weekend, binge watching Grey's Anatomy and crying every-time someone dies, then you do you. Within reason, do whatever is going to make you the happiest. Keep in mind that you can't sit and be sad forever, at a certain point you need to pick up and move forward with your life. You can do this and you are strong enough.
4. COLD TURKEY IS HARD, BUT NECESSARY.
It's going to be hard, but ending things with someone is entirely easier when you can completely cut them out for awhile. It's hard when they've been your best friend as well as your significant other, but in reality, you don't want to have that reminder that they are there all the time. You want to be happy for them that they are living their life without you, but constant reminders, pictures, texts, doesn't make things easier. Although it will hurt in the short-term, long-term you will be coping with it better than you thought.
Cold Turkey. Stop reading their Facebook statuses. Stop looking at their Snapchat stories. Stop creeping them on any social media. And do not spend time pouring over old photos of the two of you having fun. Remove all reminders, put them in a box and put that box somewhere you can't reach. This box keeps you from getting emotional and throwing anything away that will make you sad later, but it also keeps things out of sight and out of mind as you move past the relationship.
5. FINALLY. IT'S OKAY TO MISS THEM.
It's okay to spend some days sitting there missing your Friday rituals of pho and movies. It's okay to miss the way they were with your family. If you broke things off, it means that something wasn't working and the relationship was not right for the two of you. Relationships are hard, and so are break-ups. But ultimately, the two of you will be better off for breaking things off with the wrong person and leaving yourself open to finding the right person.
Love, E